Children change your life. It is a phrase that is always said, but it is true. Routines, schedules, priorities, social life, activities, and also the sexual life of the couple change, although this is not usually explained. Above all, if the children are under 6 years old, there is more than one at home or they are one of those who sleep little.
Any couple you ask will probably tell you that when it comes to sex, things “are not the same anymore.” But it is not that they are getting worse, or that after paternity-maternity the libido plummets. It’s just that there’s not enough time for everything, responsibilities and work at home increase, our minds are focused on a thousand things and it’s often hard to find “the moment”, because you can’t improvise like before.
In addition, after childbirth and quarantine, the usual thing is that sexual desire drops and it is difficult to recover relationships, especially due to hormonal changes, the fear of feeling pain if the delivery has been vaginal and there has been a tear or contracture… In these cases, it is best not to force anything and give yourself a margin. If you have doubts, talk to your gynecologist and he will tell you if you are ready or it is better to wait a little longer. Although there are also those who experience just the opposite: with all the physical and hormonal changes, and the forced stoppage of the first weeks, the libido is very high. The problem then is that you have to repress yourself, because you can’t always “do it”, and if there are more children at home, you have to do it quietly and quickly, in case they suddenly wake up or an emergency arises that needs to be attended to.
In any case, if you are in the stage of: ” little sex, little desire and little time “, do not be discouraged. It’s very normal. To the obligations of work are added new tasks at home and responsibilities. You have to adjust to children’s hours and working hours sometimes leave little room. So, if you don’t have external help or you don’t distribute the tasks well, the extra work takes its toll and causes wear and tear, and what usually happens in these cases is that the little time you have on a daily basis, at least between week, you just want to rest and/or sleep, especially if there are impromptu after hours at night , because the children wake up or cannot sleep.
In any case, whether you feel like it or you are down, with children at home there is less room for play and foreplay. It tends to go more direct, because time is short, and sometimes it can be less exciting and/or more mechanical. It can also happen that one of the two does not feel like anything, but does it so as not to make the other feel bad, “and that is not positive either, because the attitude is not the same and it is not enjoyed in the same way” , explains Sandra G Lumbreras , head of the Psychology Unit at Dexeus Mujer. For this reason, although it may be temporary, “if this situation is worrying or unsatisfactory, even if it is only for one of the two members, you have to discuss it with your partner, be honest, and try to find a joint solution.” long can be harmful.
And what solutions are there ? You will ask yourself. Well, it’s actually easier than it seems. It’s a matter of willingness and finding more time for yourself – taking care of yourself, resting, doing some activity that relaxes you or makes you feel good – and to enjoy the relationship. Each couple must find their own formula. It depends on how your sex life was before and what can be more exciting for both of you.
These tips can help:
Maintain complicity: look for the other during the day, hug him and kiss him improvised or secretly, to enhance desire.
Have a babysitter to go out to dinner and sleep out from time to time , at least once a month or every two or three months. Away from home there are no obligations: no meals to make, no dishwasher to run, no story to explain. Intimacy and desire are recovered.
Think more about sex and leave room for your more sensual side : buy new lingerie, leave a risque message from time to time among their things, surprise the other with a sexy gift… These holidays are very conducive to spending more time on the matter. I’m sure something happens to you.
Accept the new situation, relativize things and not lose your sense of humor. It can even be more exciting to have to do it “in secret” or introduce new things. In addition, time is in its favour, because as the children grow and schedules become normal, things “relocate” naturally and time for the couple is also recovered. You will see!